PURPLE HAIR as a Plus Size Model??
A couple weeks ago I sat in Nevada at the Refuge for Women sex trafficking recovery home with two of my dear friends Tami and Dina! We came to the home to see 4 of our girls graduate from a year long program of recovery from being sex trafficked for most of their lives. My friend Tami who is currently in hair school, a few weeks earlier sent me a picture of a girl with colorful hair and said “would you let me do this to your hair?” Texting her back right away I said “YEZ I am so stoked!!!”
At the time I wasn’t thinking about modeling, my blonde hair had grown out, and I had some narly roots. I thought it would be cool to do something fun with my hair before dying it out to a normal color again.
The whole week my friend Tami cut and colored the hair of the girls in the home, and during that week she also did my hair. After she was done I was so beyond excited, I mean who doesn’t want to have rock star hair for a few weeks right?
Modeling with my purple hair was honestly the furthest thing from my mind, because the industry I had been apart of for the past 10 years didn’t consist of plus size models with purple hair!
Coming home, my parents loved my hair, and so did my friends. Two days after I got home, I had this strong urge to call my agent and tell her about my hair. So I did, I took some digitalis, sent them over, and she absolutely loved them!
Will the plus industry decide to book a plus size model with purple hair? Honestly I have no idea! But it’s worth a shot! I have modeled for brands such as Hot Topic, Wet Seal, Charlotte Russe, Styles for Less etc in the past.
My dream since entering into the modeling industry at the age of 18, was to showcase diverse beauty and creativity. I wanted to show the world that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, but also that beauty wasn’t meant to be the same across the board.
Models such as Soo Joo Kim and Charlotte Free have inspired me over the years with their diversity in the straight size industry. My heart is that the plus industry would also embrace that same diversity and creativity.
After recovering from eating disorders at the age of 18, I knew I was born to make a difference in my world in the area of Beauty and that dream is still alive in my heart.
So with that all being said, is the plus industry ready for a model with purple hair?
Let’s see :)
Brand Models OC
You may have heard the term “modest is hottest” before, but what exactly does that mean? And what does that look like when it comes to fashion? Does it mean we dress like a nun and shun the fashions? No in fact its quite the opposite.
The best way I can illustrate the beauty of modesty was through my grandma on my dad’s side, who I would call my Meme. She was a beautiful French Canadian woman, who had the brightest smile, most joyful spirit, and an exquisite radiant countenance. She lived in New England and I would often visit her in the summers especially during my college years in the fall before I would go back to school. Walking into her house each summer, there she would see her granddaughter with her long brown hair, bohemian jewelry and flowy dresses. She called me her Pocahontas, and the one objection she had to my clothing style was my shoes. You see I had these Toms my mom bought for me a few years earlier, and I wore them until there were holes in them, and tears on all sides. In my eyes they were vintage, but in her eyes, it was a horrific sight to behold. “The first thing people look at when they see you are your shoes Tina,” she would say. “Those shoes must go, if you are going to be a proper lady,” she would add. Looking down at my shoes my dad would just laugh, because he knew I spent most of my time wearing no shoes at all, skateboarding around barefoot on my college campus, and hanging out at the drum circle on the weekends. So to him these shoes were better than my unmanicured feet that had probably stepped on everything at that point.
During my visits with my grandma we would sit in her room and talk about clothing styles, modesty and how a woman of class caries herself. My grandma loved the Lord, and each day she would wake up at 4 am, spend time with Jesus, take out her curlers, and get ready for her day. Even if she were staying in the house that day, she would put on a nice sweater, stockings, skirt, her pearls and lipstick. She was one classy lady, who treasured self-care. Everything she wore accented her character, her grace, her class, and her elegance. She carried herself with confidence and all who met her adored her. She taught me that modesty was about dressing in a way that made your heart shine, instead of drawing attention to the sexiness of your body. She taught me that I didn’t need to reveal my body in order to be beautiful, because beauty came from within. She taught me to dress in a way that would make men look into my eyes with respect, and not down my shirt disrespectfully. But most of all she taught me that modesty would always outshine immodesty. That dressing in a way that was honoring to my body was timeless, and not classless like how she thought many of the women dressed nowadays.
“Carry yourself like a princess, because that is who you are” she would say. “Hold your head up high, and let God’s beauty shine through you,” she would say. Everything she taught me about modesty was lived out in the way she lived her life. I would always see her put on her music in the kitchen and dance while singing the songs. Her eyes were always so bright and full of love and joy. After she passed away a few years ago, I resolved to never forget the words she told me. To always dress in a way that is timeless, classy, elegant, graceful, and beautiful. That to be beautiful and exquisite was far greater then sexualizing my beauty. I believe now that I don’t need to sexualize myself to be beautiful, because of the example my grandmother gave me. Her beauty still sits as a treasure in my heart because it was a timeless beauty and I choose to have the same beauty she had.
Remember girls, you don’t need to show it all to be beautiful. You can wear the trends, be fashionable, and be absolutely stunning. Below is an outfit I put together with some of the spring trends to show you the beauty of modesty, to show you how you can dress in the trends and be absolutely exquisite.
Hope you enjoy this weeks Fashion Blog Post
In this outfit I have 5 main pieces
I hope you like this week’s Fashion Blog post, and I hope it gave you some ideas on what you can wear this spring.
Till next time
Beauty Has No Size
Photography By Karli Sculnick email@example.com
Looking in the mirror I would say to myself "your fat, your ugly, your disgusting, look at those thighs, your hips are ginormous, no one will ever love you, your a beast." This continual negative self talk is what I experienced on a daily basis during the 7 years I battled with anorexia and bulimia. It was 24 hour tape recorder of self hate talk that never seemed to end. An endless dark tunnel that never had any hint of light at the end of it.
I hated what I saw in the mirror and who saw in the mirror. I hated the shape of my body, I hated that my butt and hips were so big that it made it nearly impossible to find jeans. My butt and hips were big before the Kardashians made it cool to have a big butt with hips. The hourglass shape was not trending on my jr high or high school campus by any means. The straight figure, with a huge thigh gap, and hip bones sticking out WAS what was trending on my jr high and high school campuses.
After recovering from eating disorders at the age of 18, I still battled to fully accept my shape and by body even into my twenties. As a plus size model I was apart of an industry that celebrated my size, but when I entered into the real world outside of the modeling industry. I was apart of a world of small, petite and skinny. I always felt larger then everyone around me, not just in height but in my size and built. You see I have a big bone structure and I have curves on top of my 5 foot 10 frame. Which in the main stream media or real life is not trendy or trending. No matter how many people told me I was beautiful I struggled to believe their words, I would look in the mirror, grab my thighs and wish they would disappear and become smaller. I would turn around and look at my butt in the mirror and wish that it was smaller.
Like myself many of you may also struggle with seeing the beauty in your body shape. Your arch enemy may be the bathroom mirror every morning or the bathroom scale that never seems to go down no matter how much you work out or eat healthy. You may battle with the frame of your body because you can't fit into certain trends, or because you feel like you don't look good in a bikini while all the girls at the beach do. This battle you face with your body may have lead you to take unhealthy measures to loose weight such as over exercising , taking laxatives, diet pills, starving yourself or throwing up your food.
That is where the battle with my body lead me. So what do you do if you battle with the shape of your body?
Here are some things to encourage you with
1. YOUR BODY IS BEAUTIFUL - Regardless of what the media says, the size of your pants are, the number on the scale says, or what you see in the bathroom mirror. You were made perfectly, intricately like a beautiful tapestry and beautifully by your Creator.
2. CELEBRATE YOUR SIZE - Get around other women and young women who are celebrating their sizes and who don't talk negatively about their size. If you don't have these women in your life, find an Instagram account, Facebook page, or blogging community of people who are promoting body positivity and not self hatred. Your environment and what you allow into your world will affect the way you see yourself. Being around others who use uplifting words towards themselves and others will help create that culture within you.
3. POSITIVE SELF TALK- I want to encourage all of you to stand in front of the mirror with your panties and bra and speak life over yourself. Point out 10 things you love about your body instead of pointing out 10 things you hate about your body. It can look like this "thighs you are beautiful because you are strong, height you are amazing, lips you are full and beautiful, eyes you are exquisite and shine".
4. HEALTHY COMMUNITY - Who are the friends you hang out with? Are you apart of a community of women who are constantly talking about their obsessive diets, or are you apart of a community of women who see health and fitness in a balanced healthy way. Who leave room for imperfections and who celebrate the process of getting to where they need to be. There is a difference and you want to be apart of a community of women who want to be healthy out of love for their body and not because they hate their body.
5. EMBRACE MY SISTER EMBRACE - Love your body as it changed over time, learn how to embrace your size by learning to see the beauty in how your body functions. Speak positive affirming words over your body and yourself. Post positive post it notes in your car, bathroom mirror and reminders on your phone.
These are steps I have taken in my own life in my recovery towards learning how to love the shape of my body. Below is an outfit for this week's fashion blog post on how I have learned how to dress in a way that tells my body that I love it, celebrate it, and that makes me feel fabulous.
Fashion Blog Post
This spring polka dots, and pleather/leather is trending. The mix between grunge and fem is found on runways and store campaigns everywhere!
In this outfit I have
1. Polka Dot Bomber Jacket- That I got from Forever 21, and that you can also get from stores like Charlotte Russe, Target, Nordstrom or H and M.
2. Pleather Pants - From H and M that I decided to pair with this bomber jacket and a black tank from Forever 21 for a casual grunge fem look.
3. Black Ankle Vans Tennis Shoes - That I paired with this outfit for a casual look.
Occasion Occasion Occasion - For this look you can pair it with some black ankle boots for a more dressed up look, or vans like I did for a more casual look.
Remember my friends, to love your body, to embrace your size, to celebrate your creativity and to love the shape of your body!!
For many years I believed that the length of my hair determined my self worth and how beautiful I was in the eyes of the world around me. Coming from the East Indian background where long hair is a sign of beauty and customary. I found my beauty in my long hair, until one day in 2012 I cut it all off in a season of deep depression.
Cutting off my hair, really did something to the way I saw myself. I stopped hearing the words "beautiful and gorgeous" when it came to my hair and I started hearing the words "cute and edgy". As a model (with my new Dora the explorer haircut) I looked to the modeling industry to give me back the value that I felt like I had lost when I cut my hair. Even though I didn't feel beautiful with my short hair, I would go home and say "well I must be beautiful because the top modeling agencies in the world like Wilhelmina are signing me to their agency with my short hair." Yet a modeling contract with these top agencies didn't fix the fact that i no longer felt beautiful inside.
In that season of my life, God taught me that the length of my hair didn't define my beauty or worth, and having long hair wasn't what made me beautiful to begin with. Coloring my hair blonde last year, (the Dora hair needed to go) I began to grow out my hair for the first time in 4 years. And as it began to grow out people began to compliment how much they loved my hair. Yet now when I look in the mirror, I see Christina. Not my long hair, not the compliments of others, I see a child of the King. Growing my hair out again has not helped me to feel more beautiful because I ALREADY feel beautiful because of what my Creator says about me.
Above is a collage of all the different lengths of my hair from 2012 until now. Through all my hair transitions, I have learned this one thing. Whether I am bald, have short hair, long hair, blonde hair or blue hair. The length of our hair should never determine our self worth, how beautiful we feel, or our identity. Even coming from a culture that sees long hair as beautiful, I have learned to look into the mirror of my Creator for my beauty. Not the length of my hair.
If any of you are struggling out there because your hair isn't as long as it used to be, remember that your hair is never what made you beautiful to begin with. Your beauty comes from your joy, your compassion, your love, your smile, and God's light shining in and through you!!
Sitting at my friends house last week drinking some coffee and chatting about her day. I glanced down at a stack of catalogs and something caught my eye. Looking down was a Justice Clothing Catalog which is a popular mainstream clothing store for girls. What I saw on the front cover of the catalog brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my heart. Picking it up I began to flip through the pages of the catalog, and a deep sigh of relief and joy filled my soul. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, my mind was going 100 miles per hour, and all I could think was "this is incredible, this is amazing, this is so cool, this is so freeing". Your probably thinking "Christina cut to the chase what was in the catalog".
Well here are the pictures from the catalog.
You can probably conclude after seeing these pictures what I was thinking. How AMAZING, COOL, INCREDIBLE, FANTASTIC...the list goes on. It is that Justice is using girls of all different shapes, sizes, ethnicities, skin colors, body types, and heights for their clothing campaigns. Looking through this campaign and catalog. Every girl around the US flipping through it will be able to identify in some way with one of the girls in the catalog. They will be able to see an outfit, look at their own body and know it will look good on them because they see a model similar to themselves wearing the same outfit. Some would call it smart marketing or some would call it a push in a new direction with body image. Whatever others call it, I call it a miracle. Why? Because self hatred and self consciousness begins with girls at that age. At the age where most girls shop at Justice, right before they graduate to Forever 21. It starts when they are in elementary school and are constantly bombarded with airbrushed, photo-shopped, digitally altered images of models and celebrities. That plants messages in their heads that, that is what they need to look like to be beautiful. So many young girls also believe they need to look a certain way in order to fit the trends and feel beautiful in their own skin. But there isn't always a model for every body type that teaches them that they CAN be beautiful in their bodies. What I love about Justice is that the did JUST THAT. They showed every girl out there, that they could wear the trends, and be absolutely beautiful in them.
Bravo Justice Bravo!!!
What does this have to do with this fashion blog?? EVERYTHING. Because that is our goal here at beauty has no size. To show girls, young women and women everywhere how to dress in a way that fits their body type. To help women and girls everywhere see that the trends are not just for one body type but for ALL body types and that they don't need to wear a certain size in order to feel beautiful in the trends.
Our first outfit we are going to use to demonstrate that is this one below!!
In this outfit we have 3 signature pieces.
1. A black turtleneck top from H and M $5
2. A black satin dress from H and M $15
3. A chunky glam necklace from Forever 21. $10
Looking at the runways this past season, satin dresses layered with a turtle neck are trending. How to pair it for your size and shape is a different ball game. So here is how you can wear this trend to fit your body shape.
1. Tall and Curvy - If you have a tall curvy figure like I do. Then you can wear this dress with black tights underneath like I did. The slits on the side were a little high for me, so wearing black tights made it look classy and sheek. I also paired it with black ankle boots from forever 21 for a classic elegant look for a night out with friends, church, a date night, a wedding etc.
2. Tall and Straight - If you have a tall straighter frame. You can wear both these pieces like I layered them. But instead of black tights you can do a shimmer or printed tights, with black lace up ankle boots for a punk grunge look.
3. Petite and curvy - If you have a petite curvy frame, this dress will almost look like a maxi dress on you, verses a dress that hits your calves like it did for me because I am tall. For this dress the slits on the side won't go as high as it did on me, they will probably hit your knees. That way if you wear spanx like I do, you don't see them on the side where the slit is. You can pair this dress with cute platform heals or boots (black, or white). This will elongate the dress just in case it's hitting the floor. You can also pair it with a solid colored ballet flats (black or white) that are currently trending for more casual everyday look for work, a day out with friends, a nice dinner, or church.
4. Petite and Straight - This look will also look great on you if you have a petite straight frame. You can also pair this outfit with a cute pair of ballet flats which are currently trending (black or white) for a more casual look. You can wear a pair of ankle boots, or solid colored heals (recommended black or white) to create a more elongated look for a night out or a wedding.
What I love about this look is that whatever body shape you have, you can dress it up and down. These pieces you can find at Old Navy, Forever 21, Gap, H and M, Target and so much more. You don't have to spend a lot of money to look great, and you can look great in the trends no matter what body shape you have.
We hope you enjoyed this weeks Fashion Post! Remember you are beautiful, and feeling beautiful doesn't start with being a certain size. It starts with being confident in the body you have, and embracing your one of a kind beauty.
Beauty Has No Size
Special Side Note - The photographs taken for this fashion blog are by Karli Sculnick photography. Karli is a wedding, lifestyle and Fashion photographer based out of Orange County CA. You can visit her instagram at - @karli_s_photography or email her at firstname.lastname@example.org
Our First Fashion Blog Post
I don't know about you, but I love fashion, I love the trends and new styles I see at the mall and in magazines. Yet when I walk into the store, pick up the clothes and hold them up to my body..I shake my head..hang the piece of clothing back up and walk away. A lot of women and young women have this experience on a daily and weekly basis. Of finding clothes they love, trends they adore, but having the problem of those clothing trends not fitting their size or shape. The average size model used to market clothes to young women and women is 6 feet tall and a size zero-two, and has the body weight of a healthy 8 year old. While the average size woman in America is a size 14-16. Are you seeing my disconnect? I'm not bashing on the models, those girls are beautiful, and I work with a lot of these girls. But sadly as I stand at photo shoots, shooting plus size clothes, while I have a straight size (modeling industry term for normal size model) also shooting her clothes for the non plus market. I can't help but wonder why, why 12-14 year olds girls are used as models to sell clothes to women in their 20's, 30's, 40's and up. To be honest the standards in the industry I'm apart of is very very sad. When women and young women look at the latest trends, they automatically feel body shamed and insecure because they feel like they need to look like the size zero models wearing the clothes in order for those clothes to look good on them. A lot of these models I work with haven't even developed as a woman, a lot of them haven't had their periods in a long time because they are so underweight and many of them have eating disorders and are taking drugs to stay thin. Even the models wearing these trendy clothes struggle to feel good enough and skinny enough to look good enough for the trends. And if they struggle, and we struggle..then why doesn't the industry change its beauty standards? Personally what I would love to see is a model for every body type. Most of the population isn't 5'11" or 6 feet tall like most models are. In the modeling industry we have models who are a size zero or 2, and then a size 12 and up which is considered plus size. But honestly most of the population falls between the sizes of 2-12. So why aren't there models for those body types? And who is helping those body types how to dress? Do we need to be a size zero or 2 or a size 12 or 14 to be trendy and to be able to wear the trends? No. You can be beautiful, wear the trends and love your body at any size. Beauty has no size is not here to body shame, we are here to bring body positivity awareness and to help young women and women embrace and celebrate their shape and size. We are going to be committed to not only talking about the trends, but helping you dress in the trends that go with your body shape. No matter what your size is, you are worth being celebrated!
Next week we will be posting our first outfit, talking about some of the trends this spring, and helping all our gals out there feel fabulous in their skin this spring!!
Until then we would love to see your spring looks, post and tag us with a body positivity message!!
A Different Kind Of Beautiful
Be Your Own Kind Of Beautiful
Sometimes I struggle with the way God has formed me, with the way he has fashioned me and the way he has made me. I understand that he is the greatest artist and fashioner of all time. But sometimes I ask him why he made me like this, and not like the girl across the street or blonde girl at church. I wonder how different my life would be if I were made different, shorter, thinner, smaller boned..then what I am now. I wonder if I would have been more popular, if the guy I liked would have liked me back, and if I would have had all the self hate I went through as a young person.
As I step back now looking at my life I understand that my life would have been different. I would have had such a
different life then what I do now! Sitting here and thinking about it..I look outside at the sky and quietly say to my artist in heaven .."Thank you..thank you for making me this way. Thank you for my story, thank you for my struggles, thank you for my body." Because the truth is, I wouldn't be a plus size model right now if I were made any differently, I wouldn't be advocating for body image and helping girls with eating disorders, I wouldn't be helping to break the mold of "traditional" beauty if I were made even an inch shorter.
God knew the purpose he had for my life even before I was born and so he created me with my purpose in mind. If you are struggling with knowing your worth and value..or the body you have. Just remember this..God doesn't make mistakes. Everything he creates is perfect, everything he forms is flawless, and you are the masterpiece of the greatest fashion designer of all time.
By Christina Boudreau
Founder of Beauty Has No Size
Perfect doesn't mean being flawless, it just means being uniquely....YOU. IMPERFECTION IS BEAUTY.
If beautiful means being skinny, with the perfect skin, perfect hair, the perfect outfit with big boobs then I guess I'm not beautiful. Society has placed all of these strict standard of beauty upon people everywhere. They limit and define beauty in such specific terms that it almost makes we wonder..."Who can measure up to these standards? Who is beautiful according to society's standards of beauty? Who really has the perfect look, perfect hair, perfect body, perfect waist, perfect wardrobe?" The truth is..no one does. With that being said, we can all now take one big sigh of relief. Relief that we are all beautiful, no matter if we measure up to society's standards or not. We are all unique, special, one of a kind, and there is no one like us on this whole world.
Some of be most beautiful people I have ever met are not skinny, they don't have the perfect body according to society's standards, they don't have the perfect wardrobe, and they don't have the perfect life. But what they do have is a beautiful heart that outshines any super model. They have a kind spirit that melts even the most hardened hearts. They have a strength in their souls that can wither any storm that comes their way. And a confidence that is not based upon their outer appearance but their inner beauty. Let's all choose to write down 10 things today that make us beautiful. 10 things that are not based upon society's standards of beauty but based upon what God says beauty is.
Let's choose to embrace our beauty even of society doesn't. Let's all choose to have a timeless beauty and not just a temporary one.
By Christina Boudreau
Founder of Beauty Has No Size
Why Don't You Think I Am Beautiful?
Why don’t you think I am beautiful?
Why don’t you think I am beautiful? Is a phrase we all often ask ourselves. For some people we are too tall, for others we are too short, for others we are not tan enough, skinny enough, or blonde enough. This never ending cycle of wanting to be beautiful in the eyes of others has plagued the minds and hearts of girls and women everywhere.
Yesterday I got off the phone with a school counselor from Rialto, and he began to tell me about how he is constantly getting young girls in his office to are telling him that they feel ugly, fat and worthless. He went on to say that these girls are some of the prettiest girls in the school, who have healthy families who speak encouragement into their lives and who are constantly telling them that they are beautiful. So what is the problem, what is causing these young 6th girls to believe that they are not good enough, skinny enough, or pretty enough?
The answer…the media and their peers. Their peers are constantly looking at images in the media that are perfect, so as a result they measure everyone in their life to the perfect images in the media. Boys expect girls to look like Victoria secret models, the stars they see on Disney channel, and the models in the magazines. Other girls at school expect their friends to wear the most trendy clothes, have their hair and makeup perfectly done, with the latest phones in order to have them in their group of friends. Needless to say the ticket for acceptance and love in our society has been based off of our perfect outer appearance. This constant strive for perfection has driven many girls crazy. I mean..who can have their hair and makeup perfectly done, with the trendiest clothes on all the time? Well..no one..not even teen stars Kendall and Kylie Jenner. On social media now days, we often put out a perfect image of ourselves, because we want people to see a painted image of us, and we hide who we really are. Our social media accounts rarely reflect the real us. Authenticity has become less and less popular. Most of us want to be authentic, but in our airbrushed, needing to be perfect world, it’s hard to be perfect.
So what do we do about this? When we feel not beautiful enough for the people around us, for our peers, and boys at school? We stop trying to be good enough, we stop trying to measure up to everyone’s standards, and we go on a journey to discover what makes us beautiful. We must choose to mute the negative voices and comments from others in our life. And we must choose to turn up the volume of those who truly love us and celebrate us. We need to stop measuring ourselves and others to a false airbrushed images we see in the media, and we need to start embracing the authentic beauty that we all carry. Everyone will have a different beauty. Someone will have a beauty that is tall, some short, others curvy, some skinny, and others medium. What makes us all different is what makes us all beautiful. so let’s stop the self-hate and start the self-love. Choose to see what is beautiful in you, so that you can learn how to see the beauty in others.
We are all worth celebrating, and remember….YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.
By Christina Boudreau
Founder of www.beautyhasnosize.com
Miriam Tells Her Story Of Overcoming Cutting and Loosing Her Dad At A Young Age.
I have never felt beautiful. I’ve always measured myself against other people’s standards. Comparing my body image to others has always been my one ‘fatal flaw.’ I seek acceptance and love from anyone and everyone at all times. Constantly trying to be perfect and look perfect. It is exhausting.
I blame my need for perfection on the fact that my dad passed away when I was 13. He had been battling cancer since I was 2 years old. 13 is a very critical age. It’s the time when you are officially a teenager. When you are developing physically, emotionally, and mentally. Throw in the middle of that the loss of your hero, it takes a toll on a person. I became severely depressed. My mom was so depressed that she didn’t see what I was turning into. I became extremely introverted. Not opening up to anyone and shutting out my family. I became rebellious and resentful towards my mom for not seeing what was happening to me. At a certain point I gave up spiritually and stopped being a Christian. I still believed in God, but He wasn’t my god anymore.
At 15 years old I became a cutter. The next three years of my life were the darkest I have ever known. I lived for the physical pain that I could cause myself because the emotional pain was just too much. The cuts had a sick demented way of turning my emotional pain into a pain that I could actually see. The devil told me that I was ugly. That my dad died because he didn’t love me anymore. He convinced me that I was worthless, stupid, not beautiful. He was a liar. But I bought his lies. I wanted to die.
One night as I was laying in my bed, I cried out to God. It had been about two years after he had passed away and I was still furious with God. I started yelling at Him and asking Him why He took away my dad. Never in my life have I felt more sure about what happened next. God gave me a beautiful dream. In my dream we were all standing in the waiting room of heaven. God would pick up each person individually and either send them into heaven or back on earth. I saw countless people, people that I even knew, being sent into heaven and I remember praying that I would be sent to heaven too. When it came to be my turn God picked me up and just smiled. I started crying and begging Him to let me go to heaven and join my dad now. God just looked at me and said, “Miriam, no. It is not your time yet. It was your dad’s time to join me but it is not yet yours. I have great plans for you. Plans that you have no idea are even coming. I have so much more for you to do, I need you back on earth.” He set me down and the next thing I knew I was crying in my bed.
That was a turning point in my life. Did I still struggle with cutting and depression, yes. It was not an overnight cure but it was a life-changing moment. In the past being a cutter was what defined me, it was who I was. But not anymore. In that moment I knew, I knew I was special. I knew that God had a plan and a purpose for my life. And I knew that I was beautiful.
It has now been two years since I have stopped cutting and I have never felt more free in my life. I have a stronger relationship with God than I have ever had before. I’m not gonna lie, this journey has been heartbreaking. I lost my best friends over it. I lost my entire group of friends over it. I even lost a mentor over it. But I never lost God and I never lost my identity. I know who I am in Christ and that is a beautiful daughter. God loves me and has made me beautiful in my own special way and that is enough.
I am now about to complete my sophomore year at Oral Roberts University. I am studying Psychology so that I can help mentor other girls who are going through the same thing that I went through. I have two blogs where I talk about college life, coffeepluscollege.tumblr.com and about true inner beauty. ( outsmartingthewolves.tumblr.com ) I am even writing a book right now that is about redefining and rewiring the way that we see beauty. God is so good and so faithful and I am so in love with Him. I’m only 19 years old but the journey to get where I am now has made me feel a lot older. I am beyond excited for the unknown in front of me, and so glad that my past does not define me. I am not worthless. I am not stupid. I am not a cutter. I am not
fatherless. I am a daughter of the one high King. His beloved. I am smart. I am valuable. I Am Beautiful.
Christina is passionate about restoring value, purpose, identity and beauty to the young women of this generation. Follow- @beauty_hasnosize