Miriam Tells Her Story Of Overcoming Cutting and Loosing Her Dad At A Young Age.
I have never felt beautiful. I’ve always measured myself against other people’s standards. Comparing my body image to others has always been my one ‘fatal flaw.’ I seek acceptance and love from anyone and everyone at all times. Constantly trying to be perfect and look perfect. It is exhausting.
I blame my need for perfection on the fact that my dad passed away when I was 13. He had been battling cancer since I was 2 years old. 13 is a very critical age. It’s the time when you are officially a teenager. When you are developing physically, emotionally, and mentally. Throw in the middle of that the loss of your hero, it takes a toll on a person. I became severely depressed. My mom was so depressed that she didn’t see what I was turning into. I became extremely introverted. Not opening up to anyone and shutting out my family. I became rebellious and resentful towards my mom for not seeing what was happening to me. At a certain point I gave up spiritually and stopped being a Christian. I still believed in God, but He wasn’t my god anymore.
At 15 years old I became a cutter. The next three years of my life were the darkest I have ever known. I lived for the physical pain that I could cause myself because the emotional pain was just too much. The cuts had a sick demented way of turning my emotional pain into a pain that I could actually see. The devil told me that I was ugly. That my dad died because he didn’t love me anymore. He convinced me that I was worthless, stupid, not beautiful. He was a liar. But I bought his lies. I wanted to die.
One night as I was laying in my bed, I cried out to God. It had been about two years after he had passed away and I was still furious with God. I started yelling at Him and asking Him why He took away my dad. Never in my life have I felt more sure about what happened next. God gave me a beautiful dream. In my dream we were all standing in the waiting room of heaven. God would pick up each person individually and either send them into heaven or back on earth. I saw countless people, people that I even knew, being sent into heaven and I remember praying that I would be sent to heaven too. When it came to be my turn God picked me up and just smiled. I started crying and begging Him to let me go to heaven and join my dad now. God just looked at me and said, “Miriam, no. It is not your time yet. It was your dad’s time to join me but it is not yet yours. I have great plans for you. Plans that you have no idea are even coming. I have so much more for you to do, I need you back on earth.” He set me down and the next thing I knew I was crying in my bed.
That was a turning point in my life. Did I still struggle with cutting and depression, yes. It was not an overnight cure but it was a life-changing moment. In the past being a cutter was what defined me, it was who I was. But not anymore. In that moment I knew, I knew I was special. I knew that God had a plan and a purpose for my life. And I knew that I was beautiful.
It has now been two years since I have stopped cutting and I have never felt more free in my life. I have a stronger relationship with God than I have ever had before. I’m not gonna lie, this journey has been heartbreaking. I lost my best friends over it. I lost my entire group of friends over it. I even lost a mentor over it. But I never lost God and I never lost my identity. I know who I am in Christ and that is a beautiful daughter. God loves me and has made me beautiful in my own special way and that is enough.
I am now about to complete my sophomore year at Oral Roberts University. I am studying Psychology so that I can help mentor other girls who are going through the same thing that I went through. I have two blogs where I talk about college life, coffeepluscollege.tumblr.com and about true inner beauty. ( outsmartingthewolves.tumblr.com ) I am even writing a book right now that is about redefining and rewiring the way that we see beauty. God is so good and so faithful and I am so in love with Him. I’m only 19 years old but the journey to get where I am now has made me feel a lot older. I am beyond excited for the unknown in front of me, and so glad that my past does not define me. I am not worthless. I am not stupid. I am not a cutter. I am not
fatherless. I am a daughter of the one high King. His beloved. I am smart. I am valuable. I Am Beautiful.
Christina is passionate about restoring value, purpose, identity and beauty to the young women of this generation. Follow- @beauty_hasnosize